Saturday, 21 March 2015

The Warning Signs

I've found myself spending more and more time on in Azeroth lately.
Normally this wouldn't be an issue, however I am starting to see the warning signs. I'm not getting stuff done that I should be doing, I don't do anything but sit at my PC and game. I don't workout, I don't apply to jobs and I'm not writing on my thesis. Hell I haven't even thought about my blog up untill today. The old addiction is starting to kick in and that's something I hope to have caught in time, before it can get any worse.

The thing with having too much time to spend is that you often end up spending it on stuff that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Why do today what you can do tomorrow right? With having the amount of free time I have I find myself putting off important stuff. I don't have any deadlines, there's no threat of "failing" or "losing a job" if I don't do X by Y day. It's frightening really. Having absolutely no obligations except to myself. Because it's for myself that I want to get a job and get out of the house. It's for myself that I want to lose weight, I notice more and more how bad it is for me to be overweight... Even if only 8-10kg's. My body hurts in places that it shouldn't. I have shortness of breath really fast and I feel very stretched, as the stretchmarks on my legs aren't proof enough.
It's for myself that I want to finish my thesis and get my Master's degree... And maybe that is where the problem lies. I have always done everything for others. To make someone else proud. To please someone else. Now I'm an adult and I don't have to anymore.
Ofcourse my dad isn't happy that I haven't graduated yet, but there's not much he can do about it. I need to do it myself. But I don't want to do stuff for myself. A tiny voice inside of my head tells me I'm not worth it. I'm not good or grown up enough to have my own succesful life. That I'm better off staying at home where I might get treated like a 16 year old but atleast I'm not alone. And then I still get to do stuff for others.

For now my biggest issue is not slipping back into my WoW addiction. Because it's time consuming and preventing me to tackle the real issues in my life. Ideally I want to make a "schedule" for when I allow myself to play. The weekends should be free to do whatever I please, like almost everyone else, but during the week I need to limit my playtime. And I'm not sure how...

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