Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Screaming My Lungs Out


Ever had the feeling that you just want to scream so loud your lungs give out? That you can't speak for atleast a day, but that it feels like a huge relief? That's the state I am in right now.
I want to scream for all the opportunities I've not taken. For all the tears I have and shall shed in my life. For all the wrongs and rights. For everything. Just scream untill I can't scream anymore and everything is just out.

Gaming has been my outlet for years. I've buried myself in MMO after MMO to escape the failures in my life, to be able to be something or someone else that IS succesful and to have fun doing so. It's worked, and it is still working, but not without taking a toll. I find it increasingly harder to tear myself away from the safe environment of my games. I feel comfortable there and prefer to just be online 24/7 without having to worry about anything else. Especially MMO's are the ideal games to do this, because you are never really "done" with them. I take a look at FFXIV and all the stuff I want to get done there and I think I'll be working on it for months to come.

Alternatively a different side of me has resurfaced lately, and this is where the Butcher picture comes into play. I am a very competitive person by nature. I have always done some sort of sports when I was younger (mostly individual) and loved to participate in competitions of all sorts.
I've had the privilige to test out Heroes of the Storm since it's Alpha phase (something I barely did unfortunately) I feel myself majorly drawn to the game. I like testing my skills against others and would really like to devote some time to get truly good at the game, to a point where I would love to be atleast in top 20% of the players playing it (which means rank 10 or higher). Unfortunately Heroes suffers the same drawbacks that League of Legends has. First off the community is very very toxic. The moment something goes awry you get a lot of people that just start having a go at people for no reason and then decide the game is lost and will just either stand AFK at the fountain or make sure the other team wins by playing badly. Secondly there are a lot of people who don't practice any form of communication whatsoever. I've met more people (mostly Russian and Eastern European, sorry but it's true) that are unable or unwilling to speak English than I can reasonably keep track off. Thirdly next to being competitive I'm also highly insecure. This leads me to undermine myself, thinking that I will never be truly good enough to "carry" a game and will always be stuck in the lower regions of the game. Even though I have been told by more than one person that I have excellent game insight and "I play too well for my own good" I still suffer from the feeling that I'm just not good enough.
I would love to stream my progress in Heroes of the Storm because I know I have the skills to be better than average, but I'm way too insecure to do stuff like that. Not to mention my PC is not really stream equipped, or maybe it is now that I've installed a lot more memory, who knows. I'll probably test it out later today.

For now I still want to scream. Maybe there will be a day when I don't want to anymore.

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