Friday, 28 August 2015

Re-evaluating me - Blaugust day 22

As I started this crazy Blaugust journey I set some high standard Gaming goals for myself. I did these before knowing I would get a job that would get me out of the house for 4 days a week (and even 5 days next week). At the time I had all the time in the world to do what I wanted, I even felt bored and restless because I just couldn't find ways to fill my time and it was eating away at me.
Fast forward three weeks and I'm looking at myself in a completely different light. Now that I am finally entering the adult world of working I realize how much of my gaming is actually tied to me being bored. Now that I don't have the time to game as much anymore I feel much less of a draw to do so. When I come home I just want to relax, sit down, maybe head to the gym and watch some streams and that's it. I don't feel like picking up or opening any game whatsoever and it scares me.

I have identified myself as a Gamer Girl for about 10 years now, I've always had time to game with my school schedule being easy and never actually working for more than 8 hours (a saturday) a week. I had time and space to get into games, to not feel tired and to do whatever the hell I wanted,
But not anymore.
And now that I don't have that anymore, I've discovered that I'm not really that much of a Gamer Girl as I've always thought I was. I don't want to spend my weekends infront of my PC or console, just mindlessly grinding away at some game. I want to go out, see people, do things, enjoy life. I feel like I want to date again, to meet a great guy that I can spend my time with doing all kinds of things and not hang behind my PC anymore.

The weekend is my only real free time now and I don't want to spend it alone indoors. I'm an extrovert by nature (and a really extreme extrovert at that) and I'm always wanting to meet new people and do and see new things, challenge myself and be excited. Gaming doesn't really do that for me anymore and I'm seriously doubting more and more whether I should keep on logging onto my MMO's and other games. Ofcourse they are still a great pastime for the evenings when I'm tired and don't really want to do anything but sit on my ass. But even then I struggle to log in and be really engaged with anything I do.

Ofcourse all of this could also just be an initial rush of getting a job and suddenly have the freedom to do many things that I couldn't in the past. I've been saying yes to a lot of things because I have the money to do stuff now and I've been enjoying my time away from home. I haven't really settled into the job life yet (heading to bed on a fridaynight at 10pm because I'm exhausted kind of illustrates this) and I won't always have to fill my weekend with stuff to do.

Right now I just feel really at odds with who I am and what I want in life. A part of me is still that hardcore gamer that wants nothing more than to sit at home and play games all day. But a bigger, stronger part of me just wants to go out and enjoy the world and the wonderful people living in it. And games? Well, they will come around. Eventually.

4 comments:

  1. Take a break if you need one! Games will always be waiting. I'm married and go on vacation and had a full time job and other hobbies and friends and all that stuff. Just because you want to work out or do other things a while doesn't make you less of a gamer. Just busy!

    Go have fun. Games'll be waiting :)

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  2. I think that's pretty normal, if you want the truth. Sometimes life changes in a way that leads to you gaming less - and that's ok! I know people tend to talk about gaming like this sacred life path, but if anything I think it's healthier to have a balance of other things to spend time on, too. Do what works for you, and don't worry about it. (And congrats on the job!)

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  3. You don't have to be just one or the other -- that whole either/or thing becomes a lot less important as you get older and get a better and better sense of who you are (rather than being defined largely by what you do).

    Gaming is a pastime -- no more, no less. Hell, I've spent the last month doing a lot more *talking* about games than actual gaming, but I'll always be a Gamer Girl. Well, Gamer Woman. I'm kinda over the whole 'girl' thing.

    I'm also a writer, a crafter (RL and games), a pet-mom, a translator, a smart person, a reader, a lazy-slob-who-could-do-a-lot-more-to-get-fit... you get the picture. :-D

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  4. Thanks for the kind words. I guess I'm just struggling with planning my time. I haven't had the financial means to do a lot the past year so I'm really doing a lot right now to "catch" up I guess.
    I'm also not used to not having unlimited free time. Which is also something I need to learn to deal with. I guess I don't have to feel too guilty about not logging my games all the time, but I do need to re-evaluate whether or not I want to keep up with 2 MMO's. And if I do, I need some serious planning and commitment.

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