Thursday, 24 September 2015

The Motivation Proclamation

Since it's 2am and I'm not getting a wink of sleep, I feel the need to write up a post which is meshing up every area in my life right now.
A lot of stuff has happened over the past few weeks and my brain can't really keep up anymore. Seeing as I have this blog I might aswell write it down here to make sense of it, or not. Most of all I just need to get some things of my chest.

When real life mixes with games.
Right now I'm in a very awkward position when it comes to World of Warcraft. If I have to write down everything that happend in my guild and the people in it I probably could fill a novel so I'm going to go with the extremely short TL;DR. The GM of my guild is also my ex who I still have feelings for and who has been my best friend for the past 4 years. We had a huge fallout in January resulting in a very damaged relationship of which we are still recovering bit by bit. This isn't much of an issue on it's own and has nothing to do with the guild itself BUT he has become more and more inactive as time went by. And a guild where the control is in the hands of someone who has lost interest in the game is a guild that will fall apart. Which is what is happening right now.
The two officers who run the show have therefore decided to give our GM an ultimatum. Either he gives up being GM... Or they will leave and take probably the entire raid team with them to form a new guild when Legion launches. Knowing my ex, he will probably never give up his GM position for personal reasons so it will be most likely that we will form a new guild.
This however puts me personally in a very awkward spot. I don't want to hurt my friend or bring more damage to our already fragile relationship by "backstabbing" him that way. Because I know him well enough to know he will perceive this as betrayal. Now I can't really prepare him for any of it since it is not my message to deliver. But I don't want to feel like this puts me in a compromising spot.
So far I have decided to stay out of it and go the way of "let it happen and see how he reacts" but I'm superscared he will take it badly, and take it out on me. And I don't know how to handle it. Not that I finally have made some effort to log into WoW and make the game fun for myself again.

On the other hand I have been having real struggles motivating myself to log into FFXIV. The coil group that I had started with one of my friends isn't really happening, partly because I just stopped logging in. I didn't like the Alexander LFG and grinding the same two dungeons over again has really dampened my fun of the game. I also somehow don't like having to play on my PS4 either. I can't really raid on my PC due to intense ingame lag (which for some reason I don't have on my PS4) but I prefer playing on PC because it's just easier going. I can sort through my inventory faster, can just use my mouse to navigate through stuff and all of that.
I have logged yesterday after installing the base game on PC and ran around levelling my Machinist a bit, which was fun. I just really don't know what I want to do with this game right now and if I feel any desire to keep on logging in. I'm not sure what it is about. Maybe it's because I'm not very happy with some decisions people I know ingame have made recently or that I don't feel at home in my FC anymore. Maybe it's just a mix of everything of the above. All in all I don't know if it's worth keeping my sub anymore untill 3.1 launches atleast. I'll have to seriously think about this the coming week.

When the bed is too comfy.
Next to having ingame struggles I'm also struggling with real life again at the moment. The job I had was a temporary one and ended two weeks ago and I've been home again since. I still have volunteer shifts at the hospital but lately I can't motivate myself to go at all. I don't feel comfortable there and I wonder if it's worth going when you're not missed when you're not there.
Add in serious bad weather (it's been raining non stop here for the past 7 days) and my mood is getting more depressive by the minute. I can't get myself to do even the simplest chores anymore (like vacuuming my room) and I'm restless in everything I do. Gaming isn't really a distraction and if it is I can't play something for more than an hour. The only thing keeping my attention lately is Destiny, but since the shiny newness has somehow subsided I find myself not really logging that anymore either.
Instead I find myself taking more naps during the day or staying longer in bed in the mornings, essentially "wasting" my day away. I'm not really sure if this is just a temporary thing or if I need to seriously kick this mood in the butt before it gets worse and I don't get anything done at all anymore.
Because if this keeps up, I'll be right back in the same dark place I was about 10 months ago and I don't want to go back there anymore.



2 comments:

  1. I"m very late reading this, partly because I'm going through my own similar struggle.

    Hang in there. I don't know enough about your situation to say more, but don't let it get unutterably bad before you reach out. Worst case, I'm at the end of an email -- ysharros at gmail dot com.

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    1. Thanks :) Situation is slightly improving, fortunately. I've been able to kick my butt to do stuff more. Now WoW guild just needs to sort itself out and things will turn out fine. I hope.

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